Movie Sequels

So... why do movie companies produce sequels that are absolutely horrendous?

I should probably preface that thought. Having just read Twilight by Stephanie Meyer, I decided that it actually wasn't that bad. The romance was kind of cute, the setting was interesting, and although it definitely lacked in the plot category, it was still a fun read. So I thought: "Self, you should go see the new Twilight movie."

Now, let's be clear. I haven't seen the movie. I am going to see it, but the fact that I haven't seen it is irrelevant, because when 99 out of 100 viewers of a movie said it was crap, then odds are it's crap. Supposedly this is due more to special effects being awful than the acting, but it's still supposedly a horrible movie.

The segue there was that the director producing this movie knew that he was going to have to fulfill the dreams of the hundreds of thousands of Twilight fans out there. If this is (and it is) the case, how on EARTH did he manage to get the movie produced if it's so bad? Like, aren't there test audiences who watch the movie and tell the director how bad it is? I just don't get how movie companies can spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on a movie, and not realize how bad it is.

I know what they need. Movie companies need to hire high school english teachers. Hear me out. English teachers spend about half their lives correcting and grading the deranged ramblings of their students. Replace "students" with "directors", and you've got the perfect formula for success. Before a director goes anywhere near the final stages of producing the movie, get an average joe English teacher to read over the script, look at the preliminary version of the film, and grade it. An "A" is a go-ahead. "B" and "C" mean some revision is needed, probably in the witty dialogue or plot coherency department, and anything less should be scrapped and started over.

This would save us from all sorts of cinematic travesties. Shrek 3 comes to mind. I would bash the second and third Pirates, but I love Captain Jack too much. I know people say that the POTC sequels were awful, but in truth the first was simply too amazing for anything else to come even close. Yes, the second was very bizarre and very unfulfilling, and the third was ridiculously complex, and I understand that, but at least they were viewable. Shrek 3 was so painful I had to leave the room. Spiderman 3, except for that hilarious Peter-emo scene, was suicide-inducing. The Scorpion King, I haven't seen, but I've been told by very reliable sources that it sucks.

Oh, and need I mention Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom? Or the entire Star Wars prequel trilogy? I love Ewan McGregor in anything he does, but the rest of those films can go to hell in a handbasket, as far as I'm concerned.

As can be seen, there are many, many sequels that are absolutely atrocious, and they could have been easily avoided if they had just used my movie-editing system discussed above. We'll call it the English Teacher Factor - the ETF for short. I like acronyms. The next time a director decides to make a sequel (*cough*Ironman*cough*), all he needs to do is pull out his friendly neighborhood English teacher, sit them down in front of the script and/or partially filmed movie, and let them go wild with it. Draw red lines all over the script, yell at the emotionless actors if necessary, anything to make the sequel not suck.

I love sequels as much as the next person. Prince Caspian, from the Narnia series, for example, was a thousand times better than the first, and with the addition of scrumptious Ben Barnes it was incredibly watchable. Sequels to the ORIGINAL Star Wars were heaven-sent. The third Indiana Jones rocked, and if anyone even mentions the fourth movie I'll slap them upside the head.

So directors! Movie producers! Anyone and everyone involved in the creation of movies! PLEASE stop making sequels that make movie-goers want to poke their own eyes out! The world is slowly suffering from a defecit of eyeballs, and you know exactly who is responsible! Employ my unpatented and completely available ETF, and your movies will be box-office hits! You'll win Academy Awards! People won't ridicule you for making crappy films! It's a win-win situation!

And, god forbid, you might actually produce a decent sequel.

Fascinating Fact of the Day: The word fascinate comes from the Latin fascinum, which was an amulet shaped like a phallus worn around the neck that was supposed to attract the evil eye. So if you want to avoid bad luck, wear a phallus necklace. How awesome were the Romans?

EDIT: I have been informed that Directors are not the only ones involved in the creation of movies. This is fair. I used director as a blanket term for everyone involved in the movie-making process. However, because when people think movies they think "Shrek the Third by Director Whats-his-name", I'm using director. And seriously, why would anyone want to have their name attached to a horrible movie? Sheesh.